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As a student of Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST) for over thirty years, I’ve gained a lot of self-understanding about my functioning, how to be in relationships, how to function in interlocking systems, how to regulate anxiety, the importance of being grounded in values and principles, how to navigate triangles, and how to function up.
While working on the theory is primarily about my functioning, rather than focusing on others’ functioning, I sometimes wish others would understand some of the lessons BFST can offer. For example, I wish my grandparents, parents, and children would reap the benefits of lessons from BFST:
1. Anxiety Travels Through Generations
Dear grandparents, I wish you understood how family emotional patterns and anxiety can be transmitted across generations. Your own experiences with your parents and how you managed anxiety have influenced how our family functions today.
2. Emotional Cutoff Isn’t the Answer
While distancing ourselves from family tensions might feel like a solution, I’ve learned through Bowen Theory that emotional cutoff often perpetuates problems rather than resolves them. I wish we could have found significant ways to stay connected.
3. Triangles Are Part of Every Family
Sometimes, we pull others into our two-person conflicts through a natural human pattern called triangulation. Understanding this could have helped us navigate our relationships more effectively and recognize when we were doing it.
4. Differentiation Is Not Rejection
When I worked to become more independent and define myself, it wasn’t about rejecting our family values or traditions. Bowen Theory teaches that differentiation is about maintaining autonomy and connection – something I wish you could have seen as positive growth rather than rebellion.
5. Your Own Family History Matters
I wish you knew how understanding your own family patterns and history could help us all. Bowen Theory shows us that examining our multigenerational family patterns isn’t about placing blame but gaining insight and breaking unhelpful cycles.
1. The Nuclear Family Emotional Process
Mom and Dad, I wish you understood that our family dynamics aren’t just about individual behaviors but emotional processes involving all of us. The tension, distance, and conflicts we experience are part of a larger system that we all contribute to and can work together to improve.
2. Self-Differentiation Is About Growth
When I started making different choices or expressing different views, it wasn’t rebellion – it was me developing my own sense of self while staying connected to our family. This process of differentiation helps create healthier family relationships.
3. Emotional Reactivity Patterns
I wish you could see how our automatic emotional reactions to each other create predictable patterns. Understanding these patterns could help us respond more thoughtfully instead of just reacting to each other.
4. Multigenerational Transmission
How we handle conflict, express emotions, and relate to each other wasn’t created in a vacuum – it was passed down through generations. Understanding this could help us be more intentional about what patterns we want to maintain or change.
5. The Power of the Extended Family Field
Our family doesn’t exist in isolation – our relationships with extended family members, even those we rarely see, influence how our immediate family functions. I wish you understood how these broader family connections impact our daily interactions and emotional processes.
1. You’re Part of Something Bigger
Dear children, I want you to understand that you’re part of an intricate family emotional system that spans generations. Your actions and reactions affect everyone in the family, just as you are affected by others’ emotional states and behaviors.
2. Your Independence is Natural and Healthy
As you grow and develop your own identity, I want you to know that the emotional distance you sometimes create is a normal part of becoming your own person. This natural process of differentiation helps you develop while maintaining meaningful family connections.
3. Family Patterns Are Not Your Destiny
Understanding our family’s emotional patterns doesn’t mean you’re bound to repeat them. You have the power to recognize these patterns and make conscious choices about how you want to respond and what kind of relationships you want to create.
4. Anxiety is Contagious, But Manageable
I hope you learn to recognize how anxiety can spread through our family system. When you understand this, you can develop better ways to manage your own anxiety and avoid getting caught in others’ emotional turbulence.
5. Your Role in Family Triangles
As you navigate family relationships, I want you to understand how easy it is to get pulled into triangles – where two people pull in a third person to ease their anxiety. Recognizing these patterns can help you maintain healthier boundaries and relationships within our family.
What lessons and insights do think others would benefit from?
~Israel Galindo is the Associate Dean for Lifelong Learning. He directs the Pastoral Excellence Programs of the Center for Lifelong Learning, Columbia Theological Seminary.
