Understanding and Addressing Toxic Behavior in Church Communities

At a gathering of organizational leaders, participants shared the challenges their industries faced, and how they were a leadership challenge. When it came time for me to share about my “industry,” religious organizations and congregations, I followed the transparency the participants showed in sharing honestly about their challenges.

I was surprised, however, by their surprise about the toxic behavior and bullying that goes on in churches, and the challenge it is to pastoral leaders, to the extent of leading to forced terminations from their ministry. Perhaps working so long with congregations in crisis and with clergy who have experienced forced terminations (Ministering to Ministers) had left me with a mindset that such toxic situations is normative for congregations.

Crises and toxic behaviors in church settings represent a significant challenge that affects all congregations at some point. While we expect churches to be “family” and sanctuaries of peace and spiritual growth, they sometimes become environments where harmful behaviors manifest, causing distress to members and leaders alike.

Toxic behavior in congregations is more prevalent than we’d want to acknowledge. According to a 2016 study published in the Journal of Religion and Abuse (and it’s a sad commentary that such a journal should even exist), approximately 28% of church members report experiencing some form of bullying or toxic behavior within their congregation. This widespread issue affects churches of all sizes and denominations.

Some writers and researchers say that it is to be expected. It is not uncommon for people to work out their unresolved issues in church, and there are plenty to choose from: family, marital, family of origin, work frustrations, unresolved grief, parenting, beliefs, etc.

Identifying Toxic Behavior Patterns

Not all “bad behavior” is toxic. We can allow for grace and understanding when someone acts out of stress, grief, anxiety, misunderstandings, and fears. It is helpful to differentiate between understandable occasional acting out under those circumstances and the behaviors that evidence a pattern of toxicity. Those tend to be chronic issues exacerbated by acute anxiety and stressors.

Here are five common patterns of toxic behaviors:

• Influence and Control: Toxic members often seek positions of influence (in their mind, “power”) to control church decisions and resources. It can take just five to ten of this type of member to form a “gang” and force a minister to resign.
  
• Gossip and Triangulation: Creating discord by spreading rumors and pitting members or staff against each other. This “divide and conquer” or “let’s you and them fight” tactic intends to cause miscommunication, animosity, and create alliances.
  
• Spiritual Manipulation: Using scripture, religious language, or religious authority to shame or control others. This is a form of spiritual abuse.
  
• Resistance to Change and Sabotage: Aggressively opposing new initiatives or leadership decisions. This is most common when a pastoral leader announces a vision for the church, a new initiative, or even a different process.
  
• Emotional Manipulation and Hostage Taking: Using guilt, shame, or threats of leaving to influence church decisions are just two tactics of toxic members or staff. Another, which feels good but has the same motive, is seduction messages. Criticism and seduction are two sides of the same coin; both send the message “change back, or else…”.

Impact on Church Health

When no intervention happens when toxic behavior manifests itself, one can count on costly consequences. Dr. Charles Chandler, founder of the Ministering to Ministers Foundation, notes that toxic behavior can lead to:

• Decreased church attendance
• Reduced volunteer participation
• Leadership burnout
• Financial strain
• Pastoral exits
• Pastors leaving the ministry altogether
• Stress and trauma on the pastor’s family
• Church splits
• Damaged church reputation in the community and denomination.

Edwin Friedman, in his seminal work A Failure of Nerve, emphasized that leaders must intervene in toxic behavior because the health of any organization depends on the functioning of its leadership. He argued that failing to address toxic behavior is not just an oversight—it’s a leadership failure perpetuating emotional processes that can destroy an organization.

According to Friedman, there are three key reasons why leaders must intervene:

• System Homeostasis: Left unchecked, toxic behavior can become part of the organization’s emotional process and create a new “normal” that resists positive change and progress.
• Leadership Differentiation: By addressing toxic behavior, leaders can maintain a non-anxious presence while taking clear stands on critical issues—a cornerstone of effective leadership.
• Organizational Immunity: Intervention strengthens the organization’s “immune system” against future toxic behavior by establishing clear boundaries and expectations for respectful, healthy functioning.

Friedman emphasized that the failure to address toxic behavior isn’t just about conflict avoidance—it’s a systemic issue affecting the entire organization’s capacity for healthy function and growth.

Effective Interventions for Church Leadership

Pastoral leaders need to be proactive and anticipate that either inevitably there will be conflict due to toxic behavior on the part of some, or that the congregation they serve has developed an inability to deal with toxic behaviors, bullies, and failing to hold people accountable when that level of reactivity surfaces. Here are three approaches that can help with proactive intervention:

• Understanding how the emotional process works in responding to acute and chronic anxiety. Often, this is a multigenerational pattern developed over time. Since anxiety is not imaginative, it’s not hard to observe when an anxious system reverts to default reactive patterns.
  
• Develop written codes of conduct, covenants, and commitment to healthy shared corporate ways of being and relating. One resource a congregation has is the rituals it develops and commits to for the corporate formation of its members. Ritualizing the reading and regular recommitment to a membership covenant is a powerful formative experience and constant reminder of “This is who we are and this is what we commit to in living life together as church.”
  
• Regular teaching on healthy community dynamics, especially for key leaders, staff, and influencers can cultivate a resource for pastoral leaders. When key leaders are on the same page and communicate the same expectations and values about dealing with conflict there is a greater opportunity for early intervention.

Addressing toxic behavior in church settings requires a balanced approach of grace and accountability. Church leaders must be prepared to act decisively while maintaining a spirit of redemption and restoration. Success in managing these situations often depends on having clear policies, consistent application, and strong support systems in place.

By implementing strategies with wisdom and compassion, pastoral leaders can create healthier environments where authentic spiritual growth and community flourish. The goal is not just to address toxic behavior in church but to foster a culture where such behavior becomes increasingly rare. A healthy faith community can address and correct toxic behavior by saying, “We don’t do that here; that’s not who we are.”

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References

Chandler, C. (2020). Ministering to Ministers Foundation Research Report

Friedman, E. (2017). A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix

Rainer, T. (2022). Church Leadership: Effective Strategies for Ministry

Barna Group. (2023). State of the Church Report

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Israel Galindo is Associate Dean for Lifelong Learning. He directs the Pastoral Excellence Programs at the Center for Lifelong Learning. To learn more about how leaders can be more effective in managing toxic behavior and conflict participate in the Leadership in Ministry program, a pastoral leadership development experience.